the gutter, bottom

i'm here God. i'm stuck in this tunnel. darkness envelops me. but i'm still here, Dad. i can't get out. i keep trying and hitting walls and falling back in my own shit. i can't get out. i can't do anything. i admit defeat. i'm done for.

i must admit defeat. i must let someone into the darkness. God, shed light on my life.

i wrote those words a long time ago, but they still ring true. i'm not out of that place, that gutter. i want to be, at least i say i want to be, but i just keep hanging out here. i so desperately want to help others out of their gutters, but i forget that to do so, i have to get out of mine first, and i can't do that alone. i try, oh, i try to do it alone. and i keep failing. it's the 'ole alcoholics anonymous definition of insanity again: trying the same thing over and over again, each time, expecting different results.
i'm insane. i want to get out, but i won't change.
another aa phrase: nothing changes if nothing changes.
man, i've got problems.

sink or swim?

am i sinking or swimming?
i'm trying to swim,
but i need to find someone that gives lessons.
i can't do this on my own,
but i'm prideful and stubborn.
i won't let go,
and i have to,
or i will kill myself, eventually.
i have to accept the past in order to heal from it.
i haven't accepted it yet,
not really.

first post...yada yada yada

hi, this is me posting on my blog.
that's all you're getting right now.
deal with it.