stuck in panera

well, i'm stuck in panera cause it's raining a lot outside. i would go, but i left my trusty raincoat at home, and i have my laptop here, with the "waterproof" case, but it's brand new, and nothing's perfect. so, i'm just sitting here and waiting for the rain to stop, if it will. it's pouring. oh well. more time to play on their free wireless here, and i have the first season of monk, so i do have viewing material and days of music to listen to if i so choose.
still raining. well, i'm watching monk now.
bored out of my mind. oh well.
don't feel like writing anymore.
goodbye.

the gutter, bottom

i'm here God. i'm stuck in this tunnel. darkness envelops me. but i'm still here, Dad. i can't get out. i keep trying and hitting walls and falling back in my own shit. i can't get out. i can't do anything. i admit defeat. i'm done for.

i must admit defeat. i must let someone into the darkness. God, shed light on my life.

i wrote those words a long time ago, but they still ring true. i'm not out of that place, that gutter. i want to be, at least i say i want to be, but i just keep hanging out here. i so desperately want to help others out of their gutters, but i forget that to do so, i have to get out of mine first, and i can't do that alone. i try, oh, i try to do it alone. and i keep failing. it's the 'ole alcoholics anonymous definition of insanity again: trying the same thing over and over again, each time, expecting different results.
i'm insane. i want to get out, but i won't change.
another aa phrase: nothing changes if nothing changes.
man, i've got problems.

sink or swim?

am i sinking or swimming?
i'm trying to swim,
but i need to find someone that gives lessons.
i can't do this on my own,
but i'm prideful and stubborn.
i won't let go,
and i have to,
or i will kill myself, eventually.
i have to accept the past in order to heal from it.
i haven't accepted it yet,
not really.

first post...yada yada yada

hi, this is me posting on my blog.
that's all you're getting right now.
deal with it.